The tides of time

On the eve of my 22nd b-day, I would embrace the idea of being happy about turning this age, but I'm just not.

Every time I think about the next year, I tear up and get depressed for at least an hour. Call me selfish, call me spoiled, call me the last child (aka the baby), but the truth is I feel how I feel and I cannot just get over it.

Life moves on, I have to grow up. I know that. I do. I also know that I feel like my world is crashing slowly and burning even slower into molten ash. I do not know a world without depending on someone. I will be alone for the first time in my life, and that is so scary. My parents never wanted me to be alone because I lost at such a young age, so they gave me everything and paid much attention to me in fear that they would lose more than we lost in the terrible spring of 93.

It sucks knowing that is a big part of my selfishness, and that is a big part of why I am the way I am about being so dependant. I love my family. I do not ever want to let go. Being here in Colorado only makes the bond stronger, and the love louder and more noticeable. I do not want to get an apartment by myself and start living a life without my family. I know that I will never do that, but even the slightest severance of ties makes me quiver in my boots.

I have so many things to be grateful for. I have a beautiful neice with whom I literally obsessed with, she is amazing and so happy. My newphew DMB4 is on his way in full stride, so exciting! My brother and his wife bought a house, in which will look fabulous when i get home. And last but not least, my parents look healthier and happier than I have seen them in years.

I have so many things to be happy about. I have a job, a good job at that! I have a great boyfriend, with strong morals and the tenacity to go after the job that suits him best. Unlike my family members who could make the decision to live together early, mostly for financial reasons, his family and he are too conservative for that type of fortee, so again I am stuck. I want to have something to look forward to, but right now, my life seems to be simply growing up with no rhyme or reason for it to. Happiness will come, I just have to get my feet wet and wade around a little before I feel comfortable to get into the big kid's pool. I just hope my parents won't throw me off the boat before I am able to swim in it....

-DMB3